February 3rd, 2023
It is 10 days until my surgery and I am finding myself getting emotional and anxious. I am sad. I know that there are a lot of changes coming. As it gets closer it feels a little harder to process, but I know that this was all happening for a reason. Not the getting cancer, because that just f**king sucks, but my choice in my recovery. I know that I am cutting out the toxic part of my body, but I am also cutting out a huge part of what defines me as a woman physically.
I don't question that for a moment but it's still sad. There is no rule on when grief will hit you and it's hitting me right now before the loss has even happened. This is part of what makes me a woman. It's a part of me that my husband loves. I don’t know if they are ever going to be the same. I guess it's hard to put into words but there's just this intense sadness that I've been feeling lately.
February 9th
It's weird how grief hits you in random waves. A song will just start tears flowing. Or a random thought. It's not intense sobbing, just tears that I can't stop from pouring down my face. It's also odd that we try to hide our tears. There's no shame in crying, especially over something like this. But I think it stems from the fact that I feel like I have to be strong for my family. I don't want them to see me cry. If I am strong then they will be. If they see me scared, then they will be scared. And the last thing that I want is for my boys to see their mom scared.
February 11th, 2023
Butterfly strong. Two simple words that mean so much. I have been blessed with an amazing family. I have also been blessed to learn from very strong women in my family. My maternal grandmother is one of the strongest women I know. She embarked on this journey younger than I am today. She raised five beautiful children, a whole plethora of grandchildren and even more great grandchildren. My grandmother always puts her children first no matter how old they are. Family means everything to her and I've carried that sentiment with me. I've also been blessed to have a bonus grandma in Jason's grandma. She taught me very similar values of family first being strong and standing up for what you believe in.
The women in our family have a special place in our hearts for butterflies. They are symbols of beauty but they are also a symbol of strength and they are a gentle reminder of a woman that we lost. I just got a card today from Jason's aunt and she wrote Butterfly Strong on the card. Just those two words hit me so hard. Reminded me how incredibly strong we all can be and that even when somebody's not here anymore, they're always watching out for us. And even if a family member can't be there for you in person because they live too far away, they're always thinking of us too and praying and giving strength.
These last couple days I have been getting random texts, calls and emails, and it humbles me the amount of love I have been given from all my friends and family and it's a gentle reminder of the things that you put out into the universe comes back to you. I know that there's a higher power that's watching over me and I know that I'm loved by so many and it gives me strength to get through Monday.
March 1st, 2023
The past two weeks have been a blur of doctors, pain management, resting a lot, and needing help with the most simple tasks. I knew that this would be a difficult surgery. The entire team at Mercy, including my two amazing doctors, were truly awesome. From the pre-op nurse praying for us, hugs from other nurses and the anesthesiologist, to my plastic surgeon comforting me as tears streamed down my face in the OR, I truly felt cherished from all of them, and I can not say enough about how that set the tone for my recovery. Seeing that they recognized the high emotions with this surgery still brings tears to my eyes. I will forever be grateful.
Jason and the boys, as well as other family, have been so helpful. From putting my hair up in a ponytail, reaching for my cup of water, to helping me get in and out of the recliner, everything required assistance for weeks. Showering was a chore that I didn't even want to think of. But don’t worry, I showered! With Jason’s help of course. We definitely went through the “in sickness and in health” part of our vows this month! Again, I will be forever grateful to each and every person who has been here to help us out - I have the utmost gratitude for every little thing that was done.
I have been asked a lot about when the reconstruction process will start. Well, Operation Build New Breasts started the very first day, and every week I go in to continue the process. It is so incredibly weird to see a needle stuck in what will become your new boob, and watch it inflate a little at a time with saline! And I can’t even feel any of it! Everything is incredibly numb! What is not numb is the drain site. Damn those things hurt!! Those and the rib pain are just awful. You don’t really know what pain to expect, just that you will have some. It is definitely not what I imagined.
We also got great news from the oncologist, Dr. Osgood, today - they confirmed that they got all the cancer out with clear margins, and it had not spread anywhere else. There is no need for radiation or chemotherapy, which was one of the reasons for choosing this surgery. Thank God. That is such a relief for all of us.
March 28th, 2023
The last three weeks we have all seen a tremendous improvement, not only in how I feel, but what I am able to do, and also how the reconstruction is coming along. They are finally starting to look like little boobs! Or foobs as they are now referred to. By week 3, I was starting to feel quite a bit better. Not enough that I was back to normal duties, but enough to think that I can do normal duties, lol. Anyone who knows me knows that I like to get stuff done, so sitting around and waiting for something to happen is incredibly difficult. I had to ask my doctor every week to tell me what I still could NOT do, rather than what I could do. He definitely has got to know my personality quite well by now.
I think it was my appointment week 4 that I was complaining that I still had this terrible rib pain. And I could not understand why it would not go away. Apparently, the expanders had to be stitched to my ribs so that they would stay in place!! What in the actual heck??? My doctor had to stick a needle through my ribs (in multiple spots) to get the stitches in. No wonder my ribs were sore! I certainly did not find that bit of information on Google! They should really give you a list of all the things that they did to your body! It is absolutely crazy!
As I look back on the last 6 weeks spent recovering, it still seems surreal that I am going through this. And will still be going through this for a while, as there is still another surgery ahead of me. Thankfully that surgery will be much easier on my body. This is an interesting journey, one where I am learning more than I ever thought I needed to know. The medical field has always fascinated me, so everything about this process is interesting. Medicine has come so far, and I am very grateful for the wonderful doctors that I am still working with.
My aunt asked me at one point how I was doing emotionally. And I was able to honestly answer that I was doing ok. I grieved the loss of my breasts before the surgery and I never really felt disfigured after the surgery. I owe that to my amazing surgeons. Even though I did not look quite the same, it wasn’t as horrible as I was expecting. The first time Jason and I removed the gauze, seeing the scars, stitches and drains, I think we both saw the strength in both of us, to get through all of this together, side by side. I am eternally grateful to Jason, for standing by my side through every second of all this, with so much love, compassion, and, in typical Jason style, humor. Laughter really is the best medicine and who better to laugh at than yourself. I know I sure did!
